Newspapers / The Rutherford Banner (Rutherfordton, … / April 21, 1882, edition 1 / Page 1
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Hi ' ' i Mii f ' r If-S ' Yf ii Liy- c' TERMS OF SUBSCRIPTION. . One Year......:. .$2 00 Six Month...... ....... 00 Special Requests, 1. I writing on business be enre to give the Postoffice at which yon get your mail matter. . ;. . 2. In rtfanttin;? mou?y, altrayi give both name and Postofficc. 3. Send matter for the mail department on a separate piece of piper from any thing for publication. j ' ' 4 Write communications only on one fide of tie tht et ) DYEBTISIXG RATE. One ich, one insertion. ft CO uae men, each subsequent insertion... - 60 Quarter,' Semiannual or Yearly con traets will be made on liberal terms. I s Obituaries and ' Tribute of respect charged for at advertising rates. No communications will be published unv leu accompanied br the full name and ads 'I dress of the writer. These are not requested for publication, but cs a guarantee of good faith. ESTABLISHED MS. A Family Newspaper; Devoid to floiae laterests and GfBeral lews. TERMS $2.00 Per Annum. All communications for the naner. and' J? business letters, should be addressed to PUBLISHED AT jRUTHERFORDTON, N. EVERY FRIDAY MORNING. THE BANNER. Ruth er ford ton, N. O 4J 9in t ? ij ii mm mm . -:m .., , : ! THEOLOGY IN THE QUARTERS. Mow, I'b of a notion in my head dat when you come . to die, An' stan' do 'zamination in de Cote House in de sky, louU be astonished at de questions da angel's gwin' . to ax When he gits yon on da witness stan' an' pin yon to de fac's; CauBe hell ax you mighty closely 'bout your doin's in the nights, ' " An' de watermtllibn question's gwine tobodderyou a right! ' Den your eyes 11 open wider den dey sbber done . befo', - When he ohata you 'bout a chloken scrape dat hap pened Itng ago ! . De argels on de picket line er long de Milky Way Keeps a watchin' what you're dribia' at an- hearine what you' say. Ko matter what you want to do, no matter what you's gwine, e mig;uy ap m una m out an pass ii long at . An' ol'n at de meetin', when ' you make a fuss an laugh, - graph; Dan de angel in de orifis, what's a eetttn by de gate, fee' reads de message wid a look, an' claps it on de . slate ! "' ... Den you better do your duty well, an' keep your , ' conscience clear, - An' keep a lookin' straight ahead an' watchin" whar you steer ; '. Cause arter a while de time'U come to journey from de lan', . An' dey'll iake you wayup in de a'r an' put you on de s Lan'; Den roulThab to listen to de c!erk; an' answer mighty straight, Xf you ebber 'Fpec' to trabbio I roo dc alsplaster gate' The Century. FLEEING FROM JL FORTUNE. The sun rose gjopitiously bright on Grace Sylvester's wedding morn ; the air was balmy, the sky blue, and nil nature seemed in symrathy with the . happy day. , Presently a - stir a wokf in the house hold, that soon swelled into a murmur of consternation. The bride was miss ings Some one had gone. to her cham ber to awaken her and found it empty. Immediately a search was instituted which proved fruitless. The bride groom was sent for, but he could off ir no explanation ;. like the parents, he was distracted with anxiety. Grace Sylvester was a proud, impul sive girl, with a warm heart and impet uous temper. She was an only child, and somewhat spoiled, as was natural ; but nothing that could be imagined or adduced could account for this unheard of freak ; Bhe had hot even fastened a note on the toilet-cushion, as a key to the mystery, after the custom of hero ines. For a week previous to this now un lucky day, . the Sylvester mansion had continuously opened its hospitable por tals to arriving guests. Friends and . relations of Mr. Frank Howard, the ex pectant bridegroom, crowded to do honor to the occasion, which the Syl vester connection were not less eager to embellish with their presence. ; This singular occurrence, therefore, could not possibly be preserved a secret, and the chagrined and distracted host and hostess had all, the added misery of knowing that their daughter's inexpli cable flight was the sabject of all sorts of surmises and discussions by those who in set phrase endeavored to condole ' with them, and at the same time hint at insanity as the only solution of such an unprecedented freak. . t But a special gleam was soon destined to illume the darkness.. Grace had not been unmindful of her dear paxents, nor her devoted . lover. . A letter addressed to the former had been dropped by her in the postoffice. It was brief, and evi dently written under the pressure of excitement ; but, even in its fragmentary haste, Mr. and Mrs. Sylvester could trace their daughter'3 tenderness; and . her lover, despite the undisputed mys tery of its tone,! took consolation from it. Its contents maybe rendered thus.: She had left of her own free will and . nnaccompanied, though she admitted 4hat she would be met at her journey's end by a worthy gnardian, in whose care she would remain, and who, at the ex piration of . a ' week, would bring her home again; until then, she begged they would wait for her explanation. ;and above" all forgive any pain or annoy ance her hasty .disappearance had caused, ' . " . This epistle, though gratefully re ceived, since it assured them of her . safety, was not, of course, entirely satis factory to her parents and lover. Despite her promiso to return; they ; could not remain quiet till the expira- - tion of the time named, but sought her in every conceivable place ; but, as was - evident from the security of her retreat, Grace did not mean to be found till af ter the interval she had named. ;One by . one, or in small parties, as tliey had come, the -wedding guests de parted. ! They carried to their own houses a charmingly inexhaustible theme for gossip and wonderment. Every one held a separate solution and theory, and the subject promised to be one of unu- Bual variety Nnd entertainment. . Bat only one of them possessed any clew to the truth and she, shy, insidi ous plotter that she was, had laid a train whose, success promised even beyond her hopes. She watched its develop ment in silence. It was not her cue to speak but to await the fulfillment of her design, and so . she lirgered," professing the in tensest sympathy for all, and at the same time contriving to bestow the most of it on Frank Howard, her distant cousin. This young lady, May Prescott by name, had long been hopelessly in love with her Cousin Frank. She knew that his heart was devoted to another, but had never had an opportunity of seeing her rival till the generous and unsus pecting Grace, wishing to give both her and Frank pleasure, had asked her by. letter to be one of her bridesmaids. May's darling object was then gained. Sbe had unblmi ted faith in her own pow er of creating discord, and had secretly resolved to separate the lovers and win Frank for herself, even at the eleventh- hour. ' . - Her first interview with Grace ' con vinced her that ardent and impulsive generosity was the strong point of her character. On this she acted. " How oddly flie gifts of fate are dis tributed I" said she,-with a sigh, as they were talking together the night before the wedding. " One would think it was enough to get a beautiful wife, without grasping at a great fortune, too ; but then Frank always had a keen eye for the main chance." Grace's face flushed a deep, indignant enmson; her fullj bngnt eyes flashed with sudden anger as she looked at May Prescott steadily. - "Pray explain yourself, Miss Pres cott," she said. "I do not understand you in the least." " What! have you never heard of the will of Frank's eccentric old Uncle Paul? But I am sorry; perhaps I have doDe wrong in mentioning it. No doubt he meant to "deceive you no, no ! I don't mean that 1 mean perhaps he did not . . wish you to know." She affected to be overcome with, con fusion at her own inadvertence, and pre tended to regret having said so much. Grace quietly but firmly demanded to know all. " You have said too much to reesede !" she exclaimei, "Tell me all there is to tell." This was just the opportunity May desired. She arose to see that the door was closed; then, satisfied that she and Grace were alone together, she poured into her victim's ear the story whose re sult was Grace's flight from home. The week passed anxiously enough to the three people who were awaiting the wayward bride's return. The appointed day came, and early in the morning a carriage stopped before the Sylvester mansion, and Grace alighted from it, followed by an old nurse, of whom she had always been fond, and whose pres ence explained the fact that Grace . had been staying in her home, not five miles away. Grace walked into the house ;with an air of mingled triumph and deprecation. After the strange greetiugs were oyer Mr. Sylvester, with attempted sternness, demanded the promised explanation, and this was the story : " The night before' my wedding day I learned, from some one who thought I already knew it, that Frank was about to inherit $100,000 upon a strange con dition. His uncle had died and left that amount to him, provided he married me within a year after the testator's death. " I haid never seen this uncle, but, as I learned from my informant, he had met me by chance in one of the New York hospitals, and, after taking the trouble to inquire my name, and no doubt satis fying himself of the suitability of th connection, he made up his eccentric mind that Frank should marry me or lose a large fortune in the event of dis obeying his command. " Now, though I am deeply obliged for the distinguished honor meant me by the deceased, I positively, decline to be bartered away to any one at a stated price. "It was sufficiently embarrassing to me to know that the old gentleman was attracted by a whim of jolne, and mistook it for characteristic virtue. The fact is, during that winter my first in New York I was seized with a fancy to vary my round of pleasures by an after-, noon among the sick, to whom I carried the ever-welcome gift of fruits, and it was while I was distributing these offer ings that the matrimonial project oc curred to Frank's uncle. - "Do you not understand, and can yoa not sympathize' with me? Had I re mained here, no " explanation could have altered the case, and I should inevitably have become, Frank's bride, under conditions alike painful to my love of truth and self-respect. I have always declared I would be loved for my self alone, not for qualities I did not possess, nor the money of a whimsical old gentleman." She drew a long breath as she finished her recital, and held out her hand with her own winning frankness. " The last week of the year expired yesterday," she said, with an unmistak. able sparkle of triumph in her handsome eyes. v- "If you take me now, Frank, it must be all for love. There's no longer any money in the question." "With all my heart!" cried the in dulgent lover. " Since yea have come back to me of your own free will, and have no farther objections $o make to our union, I consider, myself one of the happiest and most ifortunate cf bride grooms.", ; He caught Grace'p pretty, unreluctant hand in his and pressed it rapturously to his lips, with a rmile quite as trium phant as her own, and a glance whose intense and mischievous meaning was not explained until ij after the quiet wed ding, at which May Prescott was the only guest, for Mr. land Mrs. Sylvester's prudence and worldly wisdom still con demned tfieir impulsive daughter's esca pade, though theii; partial tenderness forgave it. f " Tou have chosen poverty in prefer ence to wealth," they said, "end so must be content to do without the grand wed ding we had contemplated." Grace submitted (with the best humor possibleV she had jtested Frank's love and gained her own end, and all was bright before her inexperienced eyes. After the wedding, Frank asked his bride: ' ! "Are you quite1 satisfied with your choice of poverty, .and glad that your marriage occurred to-day instead of a week ago? " "lam perfectly delighted," Grace an swered. ! " Will you take a little wedding gift from me, as I have hot yet presented you with one? " Frank asked, meekly. " With pleasure," Grace answered, as she extended her hand, .expecting to re ceive a jewel case, j But, instead of that, a ponderous legal document was produced, at which Grace gazed in blank surprise. Then Frank explained that, despite Miss Prescott's -kind interest in their affairs, the fortunejwas not lost, as she had made a slight mistake in dates; and his uncle's discernment in selecting so charming a wife for him had made him the happiest of men, May Prescott's chagrin at the failure of her conspiracy and the delight of Grace's parents at'iher good fortune can easily be imagined. Grace bore her partial defeat with charming equanimity, as she was quite convinced, by some mental process of her own, that she had her husband's love. So she wasSjroconciled to the pos session of a fortune 1 XrOXTHE&X CUSTOMS. In Sweden and J Norway graveyards are consecrated ground, and are not en larged. The people of the same family are generally buried together, and there must be six feet of earth over the grave, a little mound marking the spot. When the graveyard is full, the old graves are opened, and the bones are collected and placed in the bone-house a building constructed for the purpose which I have sometimes seen partly filled with these relics of humanity. The Swedish and Norwegian Jjapps are all Luther ans. Easter is Pone of the great festi vals of the churcji, and in that year was to take place on! the 9th of April. All were dressed in tieir best clothes the women in a gown of reindeer skin reaching much Jbelow the knees, with pantalettes aod shoes of the same mate rial. The womefi wore queer little bon nets of bright colors, made of pieces of wool and silk. Some of the belts around the waist were ornamented with silver. They also wore large glass bends around the neck, and the fingers of many were ornamented with odd-shaped silver rings. Their great pride is to have two, three, or four large, bright silk handker chiefs about the neck, hanging down behind. The more they have, the more fashionable they are considered. The men are dressed ! very much in the same way, except that they wore square caps and shorter gowns. One of the charac teristics of the ' Laplander is that they are not bashful, though they are not for ward. I never met even a bashful child. So we all soon became good friends. The men and women smoked and snuffed a great deal. 1 ! f . . VARIATIONS OF THE 11UJUAK BODY. The, human body i& longer on rising in the morning than at any other time during 'the dav. i The reason is that the muscles are relaxed, and the ' pressure, incident to a sleeping posture, helps to spread them oui. There is a considera ble decrease in height from long stand ing. Our shop girls are thus stunted and partially deformed from being on their feet all 4aJa crubl and savage outrage. The squat forms of many for eigners come from being learned, while too young, to stand otr chairs, and thus walk while theimuscles are tender. The mothers do this that they may work in the fields or at home without hindrance. Prof. Martel, a; foreign savant, tells how the French peasants escape conscription. They refrain from going to bed for two or three nights walk much with bags of sand on their ii shoulders, and diminish their height so as te be' under the regu lation limit. iThe. eflect, of course, is bad for theirJ health, but better that than be butchered. 1 A Sotjth End girl thanked a man who gave her his seat in a street-car, and he married her land proved to be worth $400,000. (We circulate this lie in the hope of inducing thb girls to bd more courteous.) TI2TJS JtrEAaURESXSfTa. A Wilmington reporter shown at a maohine-snop in' that city, ft collection of gauges. ft j "How accurate are liesef' was asked of the foreman of thfe-department. mm t a a" i - " xney are true to wijnp uie ten- thousandth part of an iny; ; in. & tem perature of 75 deg. Fabirgnheit," was the reply. 5 " Did you ever feel the tjwthousandth part of an inch ?" he aske$ jthe reporter, who replied to the effec? that lie had never even seen, hearo s tasted or smelled the ten-thousant$&.part of an inch. iV The foreman, jrith a smUd, turned to small machine. It isrtheotetically simple, but exquisite in lyprkmanship. In a small horizontal &nd perfectly level iron framework is adjusted a hori zontal screw, which carney Qne jaw of a small vise, the other jawu leing fixed. The screw has ten threads r to the inch. It is obvious, therefore, tliJit; one' turn of the screw will alter the distance between . "I-1!. . the jaws oi me little vise ust o$e-tentn of an inch. i J The head of the screw Ms: a 'circular steel plate, about four inches ins diame ter, the circumference of vytyicnus grad uated intD 100 equal div4ions. Turn ing the head of the screw through the extent of one of these divisions advanced the screw the one-hundredth part of a revolution, and consequen'Jljr alters the distance between the jaws i?mt one-thousandth part of an inch. $ ! , .jj The finer adjustment 1H made by a vernier affixed to the headtof th& screw, which is so graduated thaf, fhe sturning of the .head until a divisiea si the scale upon its circumference oViricidee with the nearest division on thvernier scale, advances the screw the oefthousandth part of a revolution, or widens; ior con tracts the space between t jaws of the little vise just the ten-thousandth part of an inch. As the screw: cannot be made absolutely true,' thee is ap ingen ious attachment for correciiig the infin-itesimally-minute error in? its 'working, and, as a change of a fewtdegrees-in the temperature of the room o?of the gauge to be tested would affe'et fthe nicety of the operation, the machiFB us ad j us ted for a temperature of 75 djrreesand the trials are made with the &uge&, at the same temperature. Adjusting the vise-jas tat one ten thousandth of an inch nTore tlian two inches apart, the foreman handed the reporter a two-inch gaugt, and told him to pass it carefully and slowly between them. Left to itself tla-i gapge fell freely of its own weigh vLthrough the space; but, when mad'to descend slowly, a perceptible pullras ielt from each jaw, analogous t"the pulling power of two small magnets; The foreman gave -thtead of the screw an almost imperceptible touch, making it coincide .wits Uhe vernier. The gauge would howplonger pass through ; it filled the spayebetween the jaws exactly. That toucji; had brought those jaws nearer togetbjrbyyust the ten-thousandth part of &i; ich MASSACHUSETTS MESlf'WTCHTira STORIES. - jfj- The only man who eve?! beat ' a nitro glycerine explosion aftef it as once ' started is John McClearjy "jof" fpennsyl vania. He saw what w ! coining and ran. His coat tail was cu t off : and his back somewhat scratched He jumped, with some assistance from'bpbind, about 100 feet, and continued running until he dropped from fatigue. He kftpt ahead of the flying fragments? just has Baron Munchausen kept ahea of the rain, and there may be a hd bout fit some where, also. This is son:ethin akin to the story which old Col. eed, pf Acton, Mass., relates, and maintains j that he was an eye-witness of theiicurjistances. One of the powder house: on ,the bank of tlw stream below Concord blw up (as they are in the habit ot Jd6iig on an average of two or ijtoeeir times a year) and sent a man fryijgstht0ngh the air, throwing him comipltety over a round-top hill. He "was uxjompanied in his terrible flight by a& instrument probably something shfer:j5han the ordinary hoe used in the nanrpplation of saltpeter which, just befjMre hje landed, cut him slick in twain thrijghfhe waist The legs walked off foi'4 distance of several yards, and the tunk,Lpointing its index finger towardte Retreating saddle, exclaimed : Se there ! " A bystander, who didn't sennt to take much stock, so to speak, vnU the : Colonel's story, related what occurred & his saw mill. Two dogs were fiin When the encounter became ce they got directly in front of the kir, ojp the car riage which was slowly lit sorely mov ing up to the killmgy-poi3ti They seemed to be in a death:)trugle, when one of them was cut coplet$y in two. Now, it is a well-knownropojpion that every dog has four legsbut i3b dog has his fore legs behind ; ad; however that may be, the two hind o this par ticular dog ran away, wfpe tlf& two fore legs remained and whipped the other dog. CoL Eeed simj said: "If I told such a lie as that Ihaviff no hopes 1 'Jt i. K oi heaven r'iSAot? porter, ! ; leather Jte lit THE CLOUD OYER DANIEL WEB- STERS FAME. On the 7th of March, 1850, Webster! delivered in the Senate of the United ; States a speech (on the relations of, ilavery to the Union) the effect of which; upon his own chances of fame has been, : up to the present moment, in the high-' est degree unfavorable. That speech; turned against the orator nearly the whole force of the particular literary ! mode then rapidly gaining the ascendant ; in this country. The time since then has ; been an era of sentimentalism in liter-! aturo, as it has been an era of sentiment alism in politics and religion. Webster. has been judgedaocording to the fashion; i of such an era. There will succeed a' different era, having different canons of judgment', and Webster will be judged differently. The pendulum already com4 mences its return toward the opposite extreme of oscillation. This, however," is anticipation, and we now deal with' retrospect. The tide of political opin ion, held for a time from ebbing by" the almost sole contrary attraction of Web ster's own example and influence whilei he yet lived, receded with precipitate rapidity after his death, and left the great bulk of his name, it well might seem, a wreck on the strand. T1W re action against Webster in popular j re gard resulting from this celebrated speech found powerful and beautiful expression in one of Mr. Whittier's finest poems, a piece significantly eh-i titled " Ichabod !" Since then, in a published poem on Webster, Mr. Whit tier has evinced some disposition to un write his earlier branding lyrio of dis praise. JP. C. Vilkinson, in the Century. CHLOROFORMING DUR1N0 SLEEP. The possibility of chloroforming a a person in sleep, without wakirg him, having been disputed in a recent mur der trial, Dr. J. V. Quimby, of Jersey city, was led to test the question exper imentally. Dr. Quimby made arrange ments with a gentleman to enter j his room when he was asleep, and apply ' chloroform to him. This he did with entire success, transferring the person from natural to artificial sleep without arousing him. He used about three drachms of Squibb's chloroform, and occupied about seven minutes in the; op- j eration. , j The second case was a boy of 13, who had refused to take ether for a minor : operation. Dr. Qiiimby advised ;the 1 mother to give the boy a light supper S and put him to bed. She did so, and Dr. Qaimby, calling when the boy was asleep, administered the chloroform and performed the operation without awakening the boy. The third case was a boy of 10 years, suffering from an ab scess, and the same course was pursued with equal success. M Two important- inferences may be drawn from these cases, Dr. Quimby said. Minor surgical operations may be done i with perfect safety, and much i it it a 1- "1 more pleasantly man in tne ordinary way ; and, secondly, a person somewhat skilled in the use of chloroform may. enter a sleeping apartment and admin ister chloroform with evil intentions while a person is asleep. Hence the use of this drug in the hands of a crim inal may become an effective instru ment in the accomplishment of his iie fareous designs. Medical Advance. ' A MISTAKE WAS MADE. A young lady gave "her young" man " a beautifully worked pair of slippers, and he acknowledged the present by sending her his picture, incased in a handsome frame. He wrote a note to send with it, and at the same time replied angrily to an oft-repeated dun for an unpaid-for - suit of clothes. He gave a boy 10 cents , to deliver the package and notes, giving : explicit directions as to the destination ! of each. .. ' It was a boy with a freckled face, ; and ! he discharged his errand in a manner ', that should give him a niche in the tern pie of fame. The young lady received a note inher j adored one's handwriting, and flew to her room to devour its contents, i She opened the missive with eager fingers, and read : . ' "I'm getting tired of your everlasting attentions. The suit is about worn out already. It never amounted to much, anyway. Please go to thunder ! " And the tailor was struck utterly dumb when he opened a parcel and discovered the picture of his delinquent customer, with a note that said : ; ' When you gaze upon the features, think how much I owe you." j I When the unfortunate young 'man called around that evening to receive the happy acknowledgment of his sweet heart, he was ostentatiously shoved off the steps by the young lady's father. San Francisco Chronicle. A GREAT TRUTH : ' ' Philosophy is well enough fori poet and preachers ; but it goes for ; nothing in business. The man who attempts to regulate his future operations on the basis of supply and demand, according to economic theories, gets beautifully left. The bulls and bears tear theories U to pieces. New Orleans Picay une, SUPERSTITIONS ABOUT MARRIAGE. That May,- with us, is not a month for marrying, may easily be seen any year from the list of weddings in the Times newspaper, the popular belief being summed up in the familiar proverb : " Marry in May, and youll rue the day." Some of the numerous reasons assigned for the ill-luck attaching to this month are the following : That women dis obeying the rule would be childless ; or if they had children, that the first-born would be , an idiot, or havo some physi cal deformity ; or that the married couple would not live happily together in their new life, but soon become weary 0j each 1 other's society superstitions which still retain their hold throughout the country. In spite, however, of this absurd prejudice, it seems that in days gone by May was honored in feudal England as the month of all months especially congenial to lovers. I bad not spoke so gone tba words, but Bhe, My soveraine, did thank me heartily, . And eaide, " Abide, ye shall dwell still with me, Till Reason come for May, for then truly, The King of Love and all his company Shall hold his feste full railly and well," And there I bode till that the season fell. On the other hand, June is a highly popular month for marrying, one reason, perhaps, being that the earth is then clothed in her summer beauty, and that this is a season of plenty-. At any rate, this notion may be traced up to the time of the Romans, and thus, when Ovid was anxious about the marriage of his daughter, he j Resolved to match the girl, and tried to find What days unprosp'rous were, what moous were unkind: ' After, June's sacred Ides his fancy strayed, Good to the man and happy tq the maid. 1 , Equal importance has been attached by some to the day of the week on which the marriage is performed. Thus Friday, on account of its being regarded as an inauspicious "and evil day for the com mencement of any kind of enterprise, is generally avoided, few brides being found bold enough. to run the risk of in curring bad luck from being married on a day of ill-omeh. In days gone by, Sunday appears to have been a popular day for marriages ; although as Mr. Jeaffreson, in his amusing story of "Brides and Bridals,' remarks: "A fashionable wedding oh the Lord's day in London, or in any part of England, would nowadays be denonnced by re ligious people of all Christian parties a an outrageous exhibition of impiety. But in our feudal times, and long after the Reformation, Sunday was, of all days of the week, thei favorite one for marriages." Domestic Folk Lore. A SEVERE, CASE OF ABSENT-MIND-. EDNESS. It is related of an absent-minded young lady that, having been duly marriedi she started off on her bridal tour. The party stopped at a hotel in a Western city. So far, good. Sometime in the night there oame a succession of terrified shrieks from the room occupied by the bride and groom, and the clerk, porters ! and employers generally rushed up stairs, only to meet a frantic female fig ure, clad all in white, j fleeing in desper ate haste from her apartment, crying ; " Oh, there's a man in my room I " The clerk rushed in and found the groom, half disrobed, standing in the middle of the floor, one boot on and the other in his hand, the picture of amaze 4nent. He explained that he had just come up stairs and was in the act of un dressing (his wife having previously re fired), when she suddenly awoke with a shriek and fled. " " What was the matter ? " asked the clerk. " Damfino," replied the husband. Just then the bride, enveloped in a huge bed spread, procured for her by a chambermaid, came back, looking very red and foolish; and in half a minute she explained the mystery by saying : Ua, r red, i torgot i was married, and whan I awoke I was so frightened. " PAVING A STREET. WITH PLUG TO . BACCO. We have, through long reiteration, become case-hardened to the antique whoppers.told by the Forty-niners, but it must have made those mossy-backed prevaricators themselves turn green with envy when, at a recent banquet, the " Fif ty-thTee-ers' " Chairman calmly re marked during his speech : " Another singular feature of the early days was the reckless expense incurred to accomplish improvements. All of you remember when the rains made it necessary to pave Washington street, then the great thoroughfare. As lum ber was worth about $70 a square foot, the. paving committee, after for some time vainly looking for a substitute, purchased the entire cargo of the schoon er Jennie Lee, consisting of plug chew ing tobacco, and with this Washington street was paved for a distance of four squares. It was surprising how well the plugs wore, too, although, of course, the pavement finally disappeared. Why, gentlemen, I can't begin to tell you ho many hundred times I have seen Jim Lick, Bill Coleman or Doc Merritt step out of a saloon in those good old days, wiping their mouths kneel down, bite a chew off the curbstone, ajjd 'aralk off." San FrdnoUco Poti - - , - , PLEASANTRIES. Company front A false shirt-bosom, A fool and an accordion are both easily drawn out. . ' A stjcckssfuti debater The hornet al ways carries his point. Some men are like the moon. They get full once in about so often. The telephone has developed an en tirely new school for hello-cation, Thb plumber, unlike the water-pipe on which he thrives, never busts up. A Yassab College girl, upon being asked if she liked codfish balls said she never attended any. A mailed knight must have required a good many postage-stamps to carry him through successfully. If a man knew as much about himself as he does about his neighbors he would never speak to himself. "Genebotjs to a fault" may be said of many men. At least, they are generous enough to their own faults. Because he was mashed to the last, and Farragut was lashed to the mast. We have forgotten the conundrum. . A New YoBcman sold his wife to a neighbor lor a dollar, borne men seem to take delight in swindling their neigh bors. i . A BEFOitTEB, in describing a railway disaster, says : " This unlooked-for ac cident came upon the community un awares.' Hens scratch up flower-beds only when they are barefooted. That's why women run out and -" shoo " the hens to keep them from doing damage. When a child cannot answer a ques tion he never says, '"Oh, don't bother me now, I'm busy." Only children of a larger growth deal in such subter fuges. ; "Ton are weak," said a woman to her ; son, who was remonstrating against her marrying again. " Yes, mother," he re plied, " I am so weak that I can't go a stepfather." i " Thebb I " triumphantly exclaimed a Deadwood editor, as a bullet came through the window and shattered the inkstand, "I knew that new '.Personal' column would be a success.' " " The bees are swarming, and there's no end to them," said Farmer Jones, coming into the house. His little boy George came in a second afterward and said there was an end to one of 'em, anyhow, and it was red-hot too.; At an all-night restaurant a gentle man, who is much fatigued, falls agalnet another guest and upsets a water-decanter over him. " Scush me 1" said the party of the first part, in a voice husky with emotion, but fac' ish I'm lill ab shent " "The fact, sir," replies the other with severity, " is that you weren't absent enough !" From the FrencK Ax American, who started to ride from Colima to Manzanillo was stopped on the highway by a well-armed bandit. " Pardon, senor," exclaimed the latter, " but I perceive that you have' my coat on. WuTyou have the kindness to re move it?" The American produced a six-shooter and, cocking it, said : " Se nor, I am of the opinion that you are mistaken about that coat.". "On closer observation, I perceive that I am," the bandit answered, and disappeared in the wood. Ah, well! I'll put the tress away' In this old escritoire ; . . Last time we met your hair was gray v And now we meet no more. -. : AboTe your grave the grasses mingle. And I am forty, fat atfd sing!e. MotrBNrurj effect oik slang : Loveapple bought a new dress. Mrs It was poult de soie of a delicate grass-green. To match the dress she had a pair ol boots. They were also poult de soie ol a delicate grass-green. Inspired with the idea of pleasing her husband, she daintily lifted the hem of her garment, and displayed a foot- worthy of Cinde rella. -"What do you j think of that, 'dear?'' she tenderly asked her liegs brd. " Immense !" innocently re sponded the partnefTof her life. Man chester Time, t Poweb will intoxicate the best hearts as wine the strongest heads. No man is wise enough nor good enough to be trusted with unlimited power ; for, what ever qualifications he may have evinced to entitle him to the possession of so dangerous a privilege, yet, when pos sessed, others can no longer answer for him, because he can nc j longer answer for himself. i Mtnisteb to Rory "Why weren't you at the kirk on Sunday ? " Rory " I was at Mr. Dunlop's1 kirk." Minis ter" I don't like your running about ' the strange kirks in that, wayl Not that I object tae yer hearing Mr. Dunlop ; bnt I'm sure ye wadna like yer ain sheep straying away into strange pastures." Rory " I wadna care a grain, sir, if it were better grass." j ) ' i' Db. Aoitew has written to a member of the special committee on President Garfield's expenses, saying that for such visits as he made to the President he would, in ordinary cases, charge fronj 750 to '.$1,000 a visit, 1 i i S H i 1 r. - 9 41 I I v i 3 3
The Rutherford Banner (Rutherfordton, N.C.)
Standardized title groups preceding, succeeding, and alternate titles together.
April 21, 1882, edition 1
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